Women don’t ask. Or perhaps don’t ask often enough. Our hesitancy stems from several factors: fear of rejection, low sense of entitlement (“I don’t really deserve to ‘ask), high compliance behavior (both of which are a legacy of our gendered socialization and internalization of society messages that ‘good girls don’t ask’) and gender stereotypes about women and men who negotiate.
One of the pervasive gender stereotypes is that men who negotiate for themselves are perceived as self-confident and assertive (agentic stereotype); while women who negotiate for themselves are perceived as pushy and domineering as women are expected to be nurturing, kind, sensitive and other oriented (communal stereotype).
“Women too often realize that they play a social penalty for negotiation. As a result, when women negotiate with men, they adjust their behavior to appear less forceful in their negotiation. And here’s the catch. Women don’t often mind their p’s and q’s when negotiating with other women. The problem? Women hold the same stereotypes about other women as do men. To get the best result, women should let their communal stereotypes work for them rather than against them,” says Ashleigh Shelby Rosette, PhD, Associate Professor of Organizational Behaviour, Duke University.
In recent years, the narrative around negotiation, has shifted from an adversarial, combative perspective to a collaborative process based on the values of mutuality, trust and respect. In his book The New Negotiating Edge: The behavioral approach for results and relationships, author Gavin Kennedy talks of three different styles of negotiation based on negotiation zones: The Red Zone (aggressive and manipulation negotiation focused exclusively on taking). Blue zone (over compliant pacifying conflict avoidant style focussed exclusively on giving) and Purple zone (a blended balanced style of negotiation focused on mutuality and respect).
A few negotiation pointers
Negotiate from a collaborative mindset based on respect, trust and mutuality rather than narrow individual perspective. In doing so, we enrich ourselves, the other(S) and the context (The win-win -win principle).
Expect pushbacks and resistance. Negotiation is a process; not a one off event. Push backs and resistance are inevitable. Therefore, candid, courageous conversations matter. However, push back and resistance are exacerbated by an I, me, myself approach. The solution? Be communal.
The ability to view a situation from the other person’s perspective and being willing to be flexible are game changers. It also reiterates that one is sensitive, empathetic and a team player
Use “we” language rather than “I”. Language matters. A “we” language suggests a willingness to genuinely collaborate to reach a consensus; while “I” language suggests isolation and willingness to see others’ perspectives.
Negotiation is a core career intentionality skill. Alone, each of us has power. Together we can create impact. Women need to amplify other women; create our tribe. There is enormous wisdom in the power of the pack. When we help others rise, we shine.
